Uncle Hyena (unclehyena) wrote,
Uncle Hyena
unclehyena

Despair and Hope, Depression and Gumption

I got off work at 11:00 AM on Sunday after a 61 hour work week, went home, picked up Dementia, and saw two movies. Went to bed, got up Monday morning, and... I had been looking forward to going sailing for the first time since June; the weather was perfect, and I found the prospect of gathering the necessary paraphernalia, hooking up the trailer, and getting the boat in the water impossibly daunting. Not only did I not have the emotional stamina to go sailing that day, I honestly wondered if I would ever be able to go sailing again.

I got up this morning and was a functional adult again. I did some home maintenance projects (including one I have been putting off for YEARS), did some boat maintenance, and generally coped with life. The contrast between the two days was scary, and I don't know what caused it.

One odd thing that has come out of this is that I have realized that the opposite of depression is gumption; Monday I had one, today I had the other. And I have no idea why. Depression is often linked to despair, but it is a haphazard relationship; my despair is chronic and constant (and, being based in intellectual reality, incurable), but depression seldom actually bites me, certainly not as solidly as it did yesterday.

I am somewhat amused to realize that worst depression crash I have had in a long time laid me low when I was trying to do something recreational and pleasant. I have coping skills that get me through all of the drudgery of my life, but it seems that they don't apply for elective activities that I actually WANT to do. We shall see.

Uncle Hyena
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